nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
