You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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