i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You are the jesus of drinking
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
