He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
