Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
