got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
