my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
