its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
