How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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