She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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