he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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