Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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