Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
