You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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