Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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