I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
