Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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