tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
