Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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