I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.