half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
