Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?