Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?