I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
