Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
