you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
