He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
