it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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