I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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