I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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