wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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