after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
