3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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