Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
