I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
