Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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