I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
