One girl and one boy is just not enough.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
