I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
