somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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