cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
