Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am puke
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
this will be a night to untag.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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