There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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