Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
