He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
