theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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