Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
