it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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