My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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