The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
