The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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