We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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