don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
