I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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