Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
